Him: I got nothing today.
Me: You’re striking in solidarity with the actors and Hollywood writers, aren’t you?
Him: Yes. Consider me on vacation.
Me: Do let me know if you find anything interesting in the picket line.
Him: We’re discussing the patriarchal system that allows certain executives to make more than $50 million a year while too many actors make about $40 a day.
Me: Are you making that up?
Him: I am not. Just like I’m not making up that we are going to gate crash a certain executive’s party and have a threesome in his McLaren.
Me: Not sure how that’s changing the system.
Him: It’s with his twin, twenty-four year-old daughters that he wants to marry off to other studio executives. It’s their idea. They want revenge. I’m a man of service, what can I say?
Me: Is this a Hollywood studio mafia romance you’re starting?
Him: No, the mafia show up later. The head of the family–a woman–is in love with me. So she gets jealous and–
Me: My head hurts. Go back to the picket line.
Him: Too late. I’m already in the McLaren.
Me: Okay, maybe I’ll stick around. Solidarity and all that.
character sketch
Conversations with Characters #16
Him: You’re going to drown.
Me: Excuse me?
Him: You’re on your fifth cup of tea.
Me: When in London, do as the Londoners.
Him: Don’t be a cliche. Now I’m a modern day pirate with a 22 foot schooner off the coast of Greece and fall in love with one of my marks. An older woman with the most amazing pair of legs.
Me: <<Big sigh because once they start talking they don’t shut up.>> You after her jewels?
Him: Her jade collection. Imperial from Burma. $200K an ounce.
Me: She just happen to have that in her purse?
Him: In her safe on her yacht. Only her boy toy is in the way. He kept changing the combination.
Me: Boy toy, huh?
Him: Okay, technically it’s her fake husband meant to get her ex-husband off her back, but whatever. She deserves better.
Me: And you’re better, Sir Pirate Jade? She sounds… popular.
Him: She found her fake husband with the CEO of a jade mine. One night I was a revenge f$ck except when I tried to blackmail her with it she said “go ahead” and so I did and now I look like the boy toy in the press and every time I run into her, she laughs and–
Me: Stalking her?
Him: I miss her. She’s the only woman who ever, ya know…
Me: Put you in your place? Made you look bad? Ended your career as a pirate because now everyone knows who you are?
Him: Made me fall in love, okay? Jesus… You’ve always wanted to go to Greece, so jet on down there. I’ll meet you. But only if you promise I get the girl in the end.
Me: And if I don’t?
Him: I’ll call up the Daily Mail and tell them you were in on the jade theft with me.
Me: Going to pull our your imaginary cell phone and speak with an imaginary voice, are you?
Him: Look. I’m really suffering here. I put the jade back. That’s got to be worth something.
Me: Poor baby. Maybe I’ll let you be part of her reverse harem. Or maybe a menage.
Him: Now we’re talking.
Me: I knew it. You guys always want a menage.
Him: What? She’s into it.
Her: Yes, I am. I haven’t decided who the third is. But, first, let’s chat about how I’m going to make my pirate playboy suffer…
Me: Oh, tell me we make him beg.
Her: We make him try to, how shall I say, out perform the others to prove himself to me.
Me: I think I love you. <<starts checking flights to Greece for research.>>
Conversations With Characters #13
My brain has been going off in weird directions lately. I blame it on the fact we just binged The Diplomat on Netflix.
Me: Hello? Anyone want to come out to play?
Him: Whatcha got?
Me: Dunno. Hero, heroine, villain. Thinking revenge. Enemies to lovers. Maybe unalive someone evil for funsies. Need you to have a shovel and a morally gray character.
Him: Backhoe. It’s faster.
Me: I can roll with that. Shirtless? Glistening? Next to a huge piece of machinery? With *ideas?*
Him: You’re obsessed with male bodies. I can roll with it. We get busy afterward?
Me: You and the heroine aren’t together yet. But you’re defending her honor to show off. Someone who hurt her.
Him: If that happens, I don’t have time for a backhoe. I leave him in a ditch.
Me: Evidence.
Him: I’ll pin it on you.
Me: Fiction, remember?
Him: Do you think the FBI will believe that when they get a load of your search history?
Me: It’s not that bad.
Him: <<clears throat and begins to read>> Is fire the only method to remove blood evidence? Can someone leave fingerprints on a body?
Me: Okay, okay. We won’t unalive anyone.
Him: So, instead, I make her scream my name in ecstasy so loudly the whales in the ocean answer? Birds startle in the trees in South Africa? The moon’s distance shifts?
Me: You’re weird.
Him: Welcome to your brain.
Conversations With Characters #11
Me: I am loving this new story.
Him: I knew you’d love me.
Me: Actually the heroine–
Him: Is in love with me, too.
Me: We haven’t gotten to that chapter yet.
Him: We’re way ahead of you. We’re… practicing.
Me: Can I watch?
Him: No, you perv–
Me: Hey, do not yuck my yum. Besides, don’t you care I get the details right?
Him: Details? I’m magnificent. She sees stars. I’ve ruined her for anyone else. Her vagina is mine.
Me: Can I talk to her? This “future” her?
Him: She’s recovering.
Me: From what? If you hurt her…
Him: Relax. I sent her to Hawaii where I’ll meet her in a few hours.
Me: Hawaii? We can’t go to–
Him: Writing trip. Tax write off.
Me: Oh.
Him: You’re already packing, aren’t you?
Me: Shut up. I’m busy finding my summer clothes.
Him: I knew you’d love me.
Me: Actually the heroine–
Him: Is in love with me, too.
Me: We haven’t gotten to that chapter yet.
Him: We’re way ahead of you. We’re… practicing.
Me: Can I watch?
Him: No, you perv–
Me: Hey, do not yuck my yum. Besides, don’t you care I get the details right?
Him: Details? I’m magnificent. She sees stars. I’ve ruined her for anyone else. Her vagina is mine.
Me: Can I talk to her? This “future” her?
Him: She’s recovering.
Me: From what? If you hurt her…
Him: Relax. I sent her to Hawaii where I’ll meet her in a few hours.
Me: Hawaii? We can’t go to–
Him: Writing trip. Tax write off.
Me: Oh.
Him: You’re already packing, aren’t you?
Me: Shut up. I’m busy finding my summer clothes.
It’s any wonder I ever get a story written! LOL
Conversation With Characters
He’s the first character to show up in 2023. #overachiever
Him: Welcome back, slave.
Me: Wow, someone returned from the holidays with vim and vinegar.
Him: It’s vim and vigor.
Me: Starting out calling me slave isn’t the way to my heart, ya know.
Him: I thought we agreed to be honest with each other.
Me: Then, let me start out by saying this is a collaboration.
Him: Of one.
Me: Now who is making up their own definitions?
Him: Let’s get to it. I want a red-head next time. A master gardener who is allergic to the sun. I get to run heavy machinery. Flex my manly muscles while she sits under a shade tree and directs.
Me: Boring.
Him: How about she’s a modern day pirate with a crisis of conscious when she boards my yacht used to transport rescue puppies–
Me: Too far fetched.
Him: I’ll make them Westies. Wearing little life jackets.
Me: Not even then.
Him: She’s a cruise ship tantric yoga instructor on a single cruise and I get to fend off sixteen over zealous male passengers, only the boat starts to sink and she most definitely makes room for me on her door.
Me: There’s always room on the door.
Him: Of course we have to test the balance by having sex.
Me: Of course.
Him: Except she’s allergic to the sun and —
Me: We’re back to that redhead? Why don’t you go swim back to the boat and get her sunscreen. Flex those manly muscles.
Him: On it. <splash>
Me: <<Snaps laptop shut>> Let’s see how long he can swim, shall we? <<Goes to get wine>>
Was that mean?