Conversations With Characters #19

Him 1: You see, I’m in the hospital and she comes to see me–
Him 2: Pfft. My motorcycle ran out of gas, right in front of her house where her boyfriend is knocking he around so–
Him 3: In my story–
Him 4: We know, we know. You’re a modern-day pirate. Shut up already about that. I’m an international jewel thief she’s charged with–
Him 5: Bo-ring. And cliched, if you ask me.
Him 6: No one asked you. I’m the surgeon who saves her on the brink of death.
Me: One at a time!
Him 2: Like that has ever worked.
Me: I would like it to, okay?
Him 6: No.
Him 4: I agree.
Him 1: I might die soon–
Him 2: And her boyfriend’s not gonna stop so I have to intervene now.
Him 6: I’ll take care of her.
Him 5: Are you seriously going to trust him with her, motorcycle man? I mean, surgeon.
Me: <<turns to my silent dog>> Finley, let’s go for a walk.
Him 1: That would be good for my PT. I’ll go with.
Him 2: Then I can tell you what I do to her boyfriend.
Him 3: The woods are good for chatting.
Him 4: And a good place for a jewel thief to hide. No one ever thinks of that.
Him 5: I go first on this walk since you all rudely interrupted me.
Him 6: Just know if any one of you falls, I’m not saving your butts.
Me: All of you stay here so I can think.
All the Hims: We’ll help you think.

And THIS is why it takes me so long to focus on one story.
It’s not my fault.
Really.

Conversations With Characters #18

Him: I got nothing today.
Me: You’re striking in solidarity with the actors and Hollywood writers, aren’t you?
Him: Yes. Consider me on vacation.
Me: Do let me know if you find anything interesting in the picket line.
Him: We’re discussing the patriarchal system that allows certain executives to make more than $50 million a year while too many actors make about $40 a day.
Me: Are you making that up?
Him: I am not. Just like I’m not making up that we are going to gate crash a certain executive’s party and have a threesome in his McLaren.
Me: Not sure how that’s changing the system.
Him: It’s with his twin, twenty-four year-old daughters that he wants to marry off to other studio executives. It’s their idea. They want revenge. I’m a man of service, what can I say?
Me: Is this a Hollywood studio mafia romance you’re starting?
Him: No, the mafia show up later. The head of the family–a woman–is in love with me. So she gets jealous and–
Me: My head hurts. Go back to the picket line.
Him: Too late. I’m already in the McLaren.
Me: Okay, maybe I’ll stick around. Solidarity and all that.

Conversations with Characters #16

Him: You’re going to drown.
Me: Excuse me?
Him: You’re on your fifth cup of tea.
Me: When in London, do as the Londoners.
Him: Don’t be a cliche. Now I’m a modern day pirate with a 22 foot schooner off the coast of Greece and fall in love with one of my marks. An older woman with the most amazing pair of legs.
Me: <<Big sigh because once they start talking they don’t shut up.>> You after her jewels?
Him: Her jade collection. Imperial from Burma. $200K an ounce.
Me: She just happen to have that in her purse?
Him: In her safe on her yacht. Only her boy toy is in the way. He kept changing the combination.
Me: Boy toy, huh?
Him: Okay, technically it’s her fake husband meant to get her ex-husband off her back, but whatever. She deserves better.
Me: And you’re better, Sir Pirate Jade? She sounds… popular.
Him: She found her fake husband with the CEO of a jade mine. One night I was a revenge f$ck except when I tried to blackmail her with it she said “go ahead” and so I did and now I look like the boy toy in the press and every time I run into her, she laughs and–
Me: Stalking her?
Him: I miss her. She’s the only woman who ever, ya know…
Me: Put you in your place? Made you look bad? Ended your career as a pirate because now everyone knows who you are?
Him: Made me fall in love, okay? Jesus… You’ve always wanted to go to Greece, so jet on down there. I’ll meet you. But only if you promise I get the girl in the end.
Me:  And if I don’t?
Him: I’ll call up the Daily Mail and tell them you were in on the jade theft with me.
Me: Going to pull our your imaginary cell phone and speak with an imaginary voice, are you?
Him: Look. I’m really suffering here. I put the jade back. That’s got to be worth something.
Me: Poor baby. Maybe I’ll let you be part of her reverse harem. Or maybe a menage.
Him: Now we’re talking.
Me: I knew it. You guys always want a menage.
Him: What? She’s into it.
Her: Yes, I am. I haven’t decided who the third is. But, first, let’s chat about how I’m going to make my pirate playboy suffer…
Me: Oh, tell me we make him beg.
Her: We make him try to, how shall I say, out perform the others to prove himself to me.
Me: I think I love you. <<starts checking flights to Greece for research.>>

Conversations With Characters #13

My brain has been going off in weird directions lately. I blame it on the fact we just binged The Diplomat on Netflix.

Me: Hello? Anyone want to come out to play?
Him: Whatcha got?
Me: Dunno. Hero, heroine, villain. Thinking revenge. Enemies to lovers. Maybe unalive someone evil for funsies. Need you to have a shovel and a morally gray character.
Him: Backhoe. It’s faster.
Me: I can roll with that. Shirtless? Glistening? Next to a huge piece of machinery? With *ideas?*
Him: You’re obsessed with male bodies. I can roll with it. We get busy afterward?
Me: You and the heroine aren’t together yet. But you’re defending her honor to show off. Someone who hurt her.
Him: If that happens, I don’t have time for a backhoe. I leave him in a ditch.
Me: Evidence.
Him: I’ll pin it on you.
Me: Fiction, remember?
Him: Do you think the FBI will believe that when they get a load of your search history?
Me: It’s not that bad.
Him: <<clears throat and begins to read>> Is fire the only method to remove blood evidence? Can someone leave fingerprints on a body?
Me: Okay, okay. We won’t unalive anyone.
Him: So, instead, I make her scream my name in ecstasy so loudly the whales in the ocean answer? Birds startle in the trees in South Africa? The moon’s distance shifts?
Me: You’re weird.
Him: Welcome to your brain.

Conversations With Characters #11

Me: I am loving this new story.
Him: I knew you’d love me.
Me:  Actually the heroine–
Him: Is in love with me, too.
Me: We haven’t gotten to that chapter yet.
Him: We’re way ahead of you. We’re… practicing.
Me: Can I watch?
Him: No, you perv–
Me: Hey, do not yuck my yum. Besides, don’t you care I get the details right?
Him: Details? I’m magnificent. She sees stars. I’ve ruined her for anyone else. Her vagina is mine.
Me: Can I talk to her? This “future” her?
Him: She’s recovering.
Me: From what? If you hurt her…
Him: Relax. I sent her to Hawaii where I’ll meet her in a few hours.
Me: Hawaii? We can’t go to–
Him: Writing trip. Tax write off.
Me: Oh.
Him: You’re already packing, aren’t you?
Me: Shut up. I’m busy finding my summer clothes.

It’s any wonder I ever get a story written! LOL