Conversations With Characters #20

Him: You want between thanksgiving and Christmas off?

Me: Like a normal, non-writer human, you imaginary person.

Him: <<Gasp!>> That’s FOUR WEEKS?!

Me: All I’m asking is that you keep your whispers to a minimum.

Him: <<sniffing dramatically>> You cannot expect me to stay silent when brilliance arises which is—

Me: Don’t say every day because…  << gestures wildly at laptop screen>> …what in the ever loving was THIS yesterday?

Him: So it needs a little editing.

Me: It needs a blow torch. You can start gushing on January 2.

Him: December 26.

Me: January 1.

Him: Menage.

Me: Don’t be so one note, Mr. Always Begging for a Menage.

Him:  One woman, brilliant astrophysicist, hides the hot bod due to workplace harassment who also is a secret heiress to Russian mob family that’s she’s running from.

Me: Veterinarian who does pro bono work for all rescues and meets a guy who runs a dog rescue farm that is being threatened to be closed down by her old high school boyfriend who is still in love her but is now into real estate and the farm is a prime location.

Him: I refuse to be this a$$hole boyfriend in this story.

Me: You can be the dog rescue hero if you stay silent until January 1.

Him: December 26.

Me: Deal. Just what I wanted.

Him: You know since I’m imaginary, this deal is imaginary right?

Me: Don’t you dare start talking now.

Him: About this farm. Add horses and cats. And, oooo, my aging mother lives with me and she’s an ex-cop. And oh, oh! The sleazy uncle is on the real estate deal because he‘s still miffed my mom chose his brother as my father and the wife of the real estate a-hole tries to seduce me because naturally I’m irresistible and–

Me: Should have never opened my mouth.

Conversations With Characters #19

Him 1: You see, I’m in the hospital and she comes to see me–
Him 2: Pfft. My motorcycle ran out of gas, right in front of her house where her boyfriend is knocking he around so–
Him 3: In my story–
Him 4: We know, we know. You’re a modern-day pirate. Shut up already about that. I’m an international jewel thief she’s charged with–
Him 5: Bo-ring. And cliched, if you ask me.
Him 6: No one asked you. I’m the surgeon who saves her on the brink of death.
Me: One at a time!
Him 2: Like that has ever worked.
Me: I would like it to, okay?
Him 6: No.
Him 4: I agree.
Him 1: I might die soon–
Him 2: And her boyfriend’s not gonna stop so I have to intervene now.
Him 6: I’ll take care of her.
Him 5: Are you seriously going to trust him with her, motorcycle man? I mean, surgeon.
Me: <<turns to my silent dog>> Finley, let’s go for a walk.
Him 1: That would be good for my PT. I’ll go with.
Him 2: Then I can tell you what I do to her boyfriend.
Him 3: The woods are good for chatting.
Him 4: And a good place for a jewel thief to hide. No one ever thinks of that.
Him 5: I go first on this walk since you all rudely interrupted me.
Him 6: Just know if any one of you falls, I’m not saving your butts.
Me: All of you stay here so I can think.
All the Hims: We’ll help you think.

And THIS is why it takes me so long to focus on one story.
It’s not my fault.
Really.

Conversations With Characters #18

Him: I got nothing today.
Me: You’re striking in solidarity with the actors and Hollywood writers, aren’t you?
Him: Yes. Consider me on vacation.
Me: Do let me know if you find anything interesting in the picket line.
Him: We’re discussing the patriarchal system that allows certain executives to make more than $50 million a year while too many actors make about $40 a day.
Me: Are you making that up?
Him: I am not. Just like I’m not making up that we are going to gate crash a certain executive’s party and have a threesome in his McLaren.
Me: Not sure how that’s changing the system.
Him: It’s with his twin, twenty-four year-old daughters that he wants to marry off to other studio executives. It’s their idea. They want revenge. I’m a man of service, what can I say?
Me: Is this a Hollywood studio mafia romance you’re starting?
Him: No, the mafia show up later. The head of the family–a woman–is in love with me. So she gets jealous and–
Me: My head hurts. Go back to the picket line.
Him: Too late. I’m already in the McLaren.
Me: Okay, maybe I’ll stick around. Solidarity and all that.

Conversations With Characters #17. And a Pedal Tavern!

Prepare thyself to be surprised. Someone’s back. See Conversations With Characters below.

Also, someone new has joined the picture. Because why not throw more characters at me?

I blame Nashville. I just visited friends there and had too much fun.

Ever heard of a Pedal Tavern? Yeah, me either. It’s a bar on a bike. Sort of. And they are all over downtown Nashville every night of the week. Seriously. Every fifty feet. Filled with “woo-woo” people. At least that’s what my friend’s husband calls them. He’s not wrong.

Just yell out “woo-woo” and the women, in particular, respond accordingly. I believe it’s mandatory one of them must wear a bride-to-be sash, too.

When I and my friends, Lisa and Diane, turn 70 we’re going to rent a Pedal Tavern and become woo-woo girls. At least for one night. We also will wear bride-to-be sashes. To mess with the tourists.

Until then expect a Pedal Tavern in a book sometime.

Maybe the heroine will be a jilted bride who decided to wear her actual wedding dress. She gets woozy. Dress tangles in the (fake and only for show) pedals. She falls off and straight into the arms of a rock star turned country. They gaze into each other’s eyes, fall in love. And she already has the (ripped to shreds) dress so… His name is Kai. At least in Nashville. He has many names elsewhere. Because is he only a music star? His secret life threatens to rise. Just when he thought the best way to stay hidden was to step into the spotlight…

Stop me before I hurt myself. Or rather, someone else stopped me. Want to know who? Keep reading.

Me: I’m really loving this new music star, Pedal Tavern hero. So swoony. So mysterious.
Him: I don’t sing.
Me: What?
Him: You know that. I drink Scotch.
Me: Do I look like your bartender?
Him: Did you just roll your eyes at me?
Me: <<dramatically rolls eyes again>> Oops.
Him: <<plays with pinky ring on his finger.>> You sure you want to do that a third time? And did I say you could get out of that chair?
Me: Thought I was fetching you a Scotch. You’re not my Pedal Tavern hero, are you?
Him: <<jaw twitches>> Sit. Down. Look at me. Listen to my voice. You know who I am.
Me: <<gulping>> Alexander?
Him: Smart girl. Now forget the Scotch. Listen very carefully. I don’t repeat myself. Are you listening?
Me: Yes, Sir.
Him: Hmmm. Also, a very good girl. Now. This is what I want.

I might have fainted at that point.

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Conversations with Characters #16

Him: You’re going to drown.
Me: Excuse me?
Him: You’re on your fifth cup of tea.
Me: When in London, do as the Londoners.
Him: Don’t be a cliche. Now I’m a modern day pirate with a 22 foot schooner off the coast of Greece and fall in love with one of my marks. An older woman with the most amazing pair of legs.
Me: <<Big sigh because once they start talking they don’t shut up.>> You after her jewels?
Him: Her jade collection. Imperial from Burma. $200K an ounce.
Me: She just happen to have that in her purse?
Him: In her safe on her yacht. Only her boy toy is in the way. He kept changing the combination.
Me: Boy toy, huh?
Him: Okay, technically it’s her fake husband meant to get her ex-husband off her back, but whatever. She deserves better.
Me: And you’re better, Sir Pirate Jade? She sounds… popular.
Him: She found her fake husband with the CEO of a jade mine. One night I was a revenge f$ck except when I tried to blackmail her with it she said “go ahead” and so I did and now I look like the boy toy in the press and every time I run into her, she laughs and–
Me: Stalking her?
Him: I miss her. She’s the only woman who ever, ya know…
Me: Put you in your place? Made you look bad? Ended your career as a pirate because now everyone knows who you are?
Him: Made me fall in love, okay? Jesus… You’ve always wanted to go to Greece, so jet on down there. I’ll meet you. But only if you promise I get the girl in the end.
Me:  And if I don’t?
Him: I’ll call up the Daily Mail and tell them you were in on the jade theft with me.
Me: Going to pull our your imaginary cell phone and speak with an imaginary voice, are you?
Him: Look. I’m really suffering here. I put the jade back. That’s got to be worth something.
Me: Poor baby. Maybe I’ll let you be part of her reverse harem. Or maybe a menage.
Him: Now we’re talking.
Me: I knew it. You guys always want a menage.
Him: What? She’s into it.
Her: Yes, I am. I haven’t decided who the third is. But, first, let’s chat about how I’m going to make my pirate playboy suffer…
Me: Oh, tell me we make him beg.
Her: We make him try to, how shall I say, out perform the others to prove himself to me.
Me: I think I love you. <<starts checking flights to Greece for research.>>